BY BECKY BOESEN

I recently had a miserable conversation with a person who was polite and jovial enough on the outside, while subtly infusing their dialogue with words that couldn't be mistaken for anything other than, well...a takedown. A leveling of sorts. "Squarsh" is not a word, but this was definitely a squarshing. At first, it seemed to come out of no where. I was blindsided and frankly, it sucked. Instead of calling it out, I let it slide...and then, it began to fester. When I relayed the events to a smart, practical person, she said, "Just because someone says something about you, doesn't mean it's true, Becky."

That simple sentence felt like some weird revelation. Um, push pause, please. I stopped my anxious rattling long enough to actually revisit the conversation in my brain, and doing so made me realize how shitty the situation had been and how hurt I was by the events that had transpired. Like, the-last-kid-chosen-for-the-team-kind-of-hurt, where the world's most powerful magnets pull hard on the corners of your mouth and instead of throwing the baseball, you feel like you've swallowed it. But, no tears! To get through it, you simply say something mildly self-deprecating and amusing and then you hate yourself for somehow participating in the whole debacle as both the victim and a bystander. WHO EVEN KNEW THAT WAS A THING?!!! Then you get angry, because angry is hurt's bodyguard. And now, you're stressed out, anxious, and confused.

Or...was I? Confused, I mean?

No. I was lied to about a subject I can confidently say I know more about than anyone else in the world: Me.

It wasn't accurate, what the other person said about me. It wasn't at all true. It was far from fact.  And they knew it and I knew it, and I think at the time they even knew that I knew it, which made it even worse, because that leads me to believe it only could have been said for one reason: To gaslight me.

Gaslighting is a bully's way of gaining power by making someone else question their reality. It's insidious, and if my experience as a 44 year old person counts for anything, I'd say it's also ridiculously commonplace in adult interactions. People who are targets for those who gaslight can usually be sure they're doing something right, as that's exactly what threatens the perp. Where victims of gaslighting sometimes lose our way is when we take on the bully's thoughts as our own thoughts instead of catching them with a "nope."

Yikes. Ooops. Ouch.

This is a real vulnerable place for me, and I don't mind sharing that I have too often allowed my thoughts and peace to be stolen by someone who didn't have my best interests at heart. I don't always catch these things in the moment because maybe I've heard them a little too often. An old boss. A shitty ex-friend. A medical "professional".

I can compare it to a time when I broke my leg, and then walked on it for 3 days before realizing how bad it was. I actually needed surgery to repair the break...however, I suffer from chronic physical pain, and so I didn't quite notice how bad things were.

The older I get, the more I notice.

Therefore, I'm working on changing my response to gaslighting. *cue victorious sounding French horns or something*

Recently, I've started working on my response to gaslighting and developed a greater understanding of my own power in gaslighting situations. It's nearly impossible to be gaslit if you refuse to believe another person's lie about you.

Whoa, again. 

How cool is that?

How easier said than done is that?

How worth the effort is that?

Pretty darn worth it, because the minute we let someone else tell us who we are rather than taking ownership of our own uniqueness and power in the world, we lose not only our ability to fulfill our purpose, but also the moments that make life so damn wonderful.  I want to enjoy:

• My kids' weirdness and wonderfulness and milestones
• Dumb true crime shows on Hulu
• Feeling the grass under my toes
• The smell of rain
• Writing a new script
• My overzealous terriers
• Intense Scrabble matches
• A gazillion more things

It's nearly impossible to enjoy big and small stuff with a lie in your brain. I'm working on addressing this in myself, and I am rooting for anyone who's lost time or space or sense of self because someone once told them a lie that stuck. Let's get that stuff out of there.

It's sometimes said, "We become what we're told."  

Tell yourself this:

You. Are. Wonderful. 

​"Just because someone says something doesn't make it true."

Kiss the liars goodbye. Evict them out of that beautiful brain of yours! You may not be able to eliminate contact, but you can trust your ability to discern the truth from a lie.

I'm going to keep working hard at this.

There's simply too much goodness out there for anything less. 

xo,
Becky

by Becky Boesen

Since 2012, I’ve found myself teaching playwriting to college students at various institutions. I’m not a traditional academic, but I am a good teacher and I know how to write a play and how to share what I know with others in a way that sticks.

I’m currently preparing to teach two playwriting classes at Nebraska Wesleyan University this spring semester. I’m also, like many others, preparing for a new year, and all the implications that come with transitioning from 2020 to 2021. I also have social media accounts where I see others’ stories play themselves out during this strange time.

I understand. Many are doing their best.

There’s no pill to take or “one size fits all” way to do the pandemic, but by the end of their first semester, almost any beginning playwright could offer some fail proof advice to all:

If the story isn’t over, you can’t jump the ending.

Jumping is such a temptation when you start writing plays. Sometimes there’s a moment in your mind that you know is soooo good, and instead of earning it by taking the time to work it all out along the way, you race straight toward it, ignoring the bumps along the way. It ends up not working, feeling empty and rushed, and ultimately disconnected because it’s not fully formed or connected to the moment before.

Basically, you cheated.  Mostly, yourself, but definitely your play and if you’re lucky enough to get an audience for it, your audience.

Beginning playwrights learn how to go through instead of around things. So is it with plays and with the pandemic. We can’t go around what’s difficult, or pretend it doesn’t exist so we can fast track to the all good stuff we love most.

If the story isn’t over, you can’t jump the ending.

Not for massive holiday gatherings, because we miss people.

Not for family vacations, because we’re bored.

Not for girls’ night out, because we deserve it.

Not for a quick flight to wherever, because we need to travel.

Not for the world, because the lives of people living in this world are exactly what are at stake.

As of today, there are 339,000 Americans dead due to COVID-19.

If the story isn’t over, you can’t jump the ending.

A play has a beginning, middle, and end. Last spring was the beginning of the pandemic for Americans. We are currently living through the middle. What we do here and now will inform the ending.

My beginning playwrights could tell you that.

I want the happiest possible ending for us all when it comes to closing the curtain on this awful pandemic. I know you do, too.

We still have hard work to do. I know we can do it.

Don’t jump the ending.

We’re getting closer.

Move forward with hope...but please don’t jump.